How many types of these annoying WeChat friends do you know? How many describe you?
“Professionals” from all dubious walks of life rejoice! The tools on WeChat for social “profit-making” have never been better. Thanks to features like “Find People” and “Shake,” it’s easier and easier for men with thinning hair to meet women with selfies as profile pics.
Classic Stunt: Their number and address in a “Message in a Bottle.”
Whether doing their make-up in bed or in Puxi traffic, these professional front-camera-only photographers are constantly ready to say “choose.” That’s “cheese” with kissy lips. These selfie-fans commit to one flattering angle which magically tightens and smooths out sagging, blemished fac-es. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so make sure they’re at least three or four filters in the way!
Classic Stunt: The same picture as the last one, but the different location?
WeChat tǔháo follow three simple rules. One, never misses a photo-op with fast cars or a nice stair-case in a fancy duplex. Two, sneak a luxury watch or bag into every cover picture. Three, post the same image to Instagram and Twitter because the combined jealousy of all China is not enough!
Classic Stunt: A pic of a hand on a Lamborghini wheel, and no caption.
You wonder how these people are always managing to relax in a cafe, a spa, at the IFC, or on a sandy beach, while you’re having to steal minutes of WeChat time on your toilet breaks, the only real leisure time for people with regular jobs. Are they still drinking cocktails at the Waldorf Astoria, or did they take enough pictures in one evening to last for three years of updates? That’s why these highlights-only posters really make us burn with envy.
Classic Stunt: A pic of their golden retriever frolicking on Phuket Island, probably taken in 2004.
5. Peanut Philosophers
They tell you to “follow your dreams” and that “it all gets better,” that “the night is always darkest just before the dawn,” and to “wake up and hustle.” Little do these wiseguys know that their positive waves are more likely to harsh your own vibes. Well-intentioned pep talks, more often than not, sound a little empty when they’ve been repeated a million times with slightly different wording.
Classic Stunt: Posted a quote by Steve Jobs, or Lil’ Wayne.
6. Food Snobs
A picture is worth a thousand words. This truly applies to foodies on social media. With a single picture-perfect hat-trick, they manage to show off their health, money, and good taste. Plus, occasionally insinuating that five boutique French macarons a day do not affect their waistline at all.
Classic Stunt: Made you drool twice by 10:35 AM.
Stands for electronic molesters, for those of you born before 1980. These guys “like” your every update. They make you feel their love and steady gaze from two screens away. Despite their obvious commitment and enthusiasm (however one-sided), you find yourself cautiously research-ing China’s laws on restraining orders.
Classic Stunt: “Liked” that you caught the flu this New Year and that you ended your relationship.
Are some of your friends really in that much pain, or do they just live to tell about it? Either way, some of them always seem to be fatigued, slightly melancholic, hardworking but under-appreciated, getting dumped and wondering why, or just angry with how long the line at the grocery store is. So much for a mystery.
Classic Stunt: Narrated a story about how basic human decency is dead, probably from the trip they took to “get away from it all.”
No life exists outside of celebrity romance. Fangirls (or boys) only post for three reasons: to generalized men, to generalize women, and to generalize “love.” Be it boybands or Brangelina, these friends are constantly tempting you to fall in love with someone quick with their rosy stories about “perfect” romances.
Classic Stunt: “XOXO. Comment under with your horoscope.”
Human interaction on the net is weak in the face of the almighty yuan. So bravo to the guys who risk losing all our friendships by soft-selling concert tickets… In a way, they deserve some admiration. End-of-year bonuses should be automatic for anyone brave enough to write this comment: “Share to help a friend.”
Classic Stunt: Made you mute them in Moments.
Electronic Public Display-ers of Affection, for your pre-1980s-ers. The couples who eat, travel and remain physically attached at the cheek in all selfies together. They may as well just share a single WeChat account, and they never get tired of each other. You swear, the next time they show up on your feed in matching outfits, you’re just going to lose it.
Classic Stunt: Loaded you up on all kinds of bad feelings, whether sadness or nausea.
Did we miss any? Sure we did. Want to share?
by Quintana Hoyn